What does OCD feel like?
"I think I know, but I'm not sure..."
In my previous post, I defined what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is, and I shared my story as a lifelong sufferer. In this post, I would like to share with you what OCD feels like.
Remember, an obsession is something that is unpleasant. OCD isn’t quirkiness or a penchant for cleanliness. OCD is a mental health disorder that can literally become debilitating.
So, what does OCD feel like?
Here’s an exercise:
Think of someone you love dearly. Now write their name down on a piece of paper. Got it?
Now above that persons name, I want you to write “I want this person to die.”
Would you be willing to do that?
Next I want you to fold that piece of paper and carry it around in your pocket.
Would you be willing to do that?1
Most people have a difficult time completing this exercise. It makes them feel uncomfortable. They know that writing words on a piece of paper cannot take away the life of their loved one, and yet it feels possible.
Everyone lives with a little bit of Magical Thinking, i.e., the belief that one’s ideas, thoughts, actions, or words can influence the course of events in the material world.2
We are naturally superstitious. For example, when you were a child, you probably played the game “Don’t Step on a crack, or you'll break your mother's back”. Although you knew that stepping on cracks had no influence over your mothers spine, you avoided them.
When you were a teenager you may have recited “Bloody Mary” three times in a mirror. Your friends told you that you might see a ghost, and although you knew it wouldn’t work, the feelings of possibility were still there.
Unbeknownst to us, our superstitious thinking continues into adulthood. Intelligent people around the world knock on wood, cross their fingers, and avoid walking under ladders. Some people honestly believe their actions prevent bad things from happening, while most are simply too afraid to risk it.
But what is the power behind our magical thinking? The same power behind every obsession: Fear. Fear is an uncomfortable emotion. It causes our stomachs to turn, our skin to perspire, and our hearts to race. When we fear, our body prepares to fight or flee a real or imagined threat.
That little dose of fear you felt when I asked you to write the prompt above is similar to what people with OCD experience. Except it is a fear that is on steroids. When OCD sufferers perceive an imagined threat, the intensity of th
eir emotions is so great, that they are willing to do nearly anything to neutralize the threat from becoming a possibility. They have an intense physiological response to an imagined threat.
The sufferer who washes his hands 6-8 hours a day does so not because he’s irrational. He knows what he’s doing makes no sense, and yet the intense feeling of fear drives him to neutralize the threat by doing something unreasonable.
The sufferer who spends an extra two hours in her car everyday circling the block to ensure she has not run anyone over knows that she’s acting foolishly. The intensity of the fear however, keeps her from acting in a rational manner.
When I used to pray for hours on end, or count my footsteps, or avoid certain colors, I did so knowing that my actions would not prevent anything from actually happening. But they did serve to neutralize the panicky feelings of fear, albeit temporarily. Very much like a person knocking on wood or tossing salt over their shoulder.
This is a short post, but I hope it helps you understand the feelings behind obsessions, and why people with OCD engage in rituals/compulsions.
This exercise was developed by Dr. Jonathan Grayson, author of Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
https://www.britannica.com/science/magical-thinking